Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.

I’m always suspicious—I’ll say this—if I think a comedian’s too good-looking and they were a great athlete when they were young, I almost can’t believe that they’re going to be any good. Do you know what I mean? And sometimes I’ll have some really good-looking intern on the show who tells me that he’s also like a great basketball player or something that says “I’m thinking of getting into stand-up” and I just want to say “No no no no, this is for us. This is our consolation prize.” Our consolation prize is that you know, we couldn’t do all those things, so we had to hyper-develop this weird self-abusive… whatever it is.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

We should laugh before being happy, for fear of dying without having laughed.

I know how to do it now. There are thirteen million people in the world. None of those people is an extra. They’re all the leads of their own stories. They have to be given their due.